EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a bizarre development, turtles around Ohio have reportedly been spotted hanging around pizza parlors and practicing a wide variety of martial arts.
"I'm telling you, the turtle could talk," said local woman Alisha Hill, who claimed to have seen a turtle emerge from the sewer. "He asked me which way to the pizza parlor, then ran away doing random front-flips. I know what I saw!"
"I'm pretty sure he even shouted, 'Cowabunga!'"
Though the mysterious turtle sightings were initially dismissed as a hoax, dozens of eyewitnesses have come forward with similar stories. "Our pizza joint was packed when one of these turtles came riding in on a skateboard and ordered four large pepperoni pies," said Jon Remy, owner of Paisano's Pizza. "Frankly, he was pretty juvenile. The last thing our town needs right now is a wave of monster turtles acting like little punks."
While many locals have described the turtles as a "frightening menace", local reporter April O'Neil has adamantly defended them. "They're young, ok? And they're only trying to help the city," explained Ms. O'Neil. "I have exclusive footage from last week showing these turtles helping ward off a group of dangerous lizard people trying to invade from D.C. They're heroes in a half-shell, so to speak."
At publishing time, reports had also surfaced that local rats were also taking a liking to martial arts, particularly "ninjutsu".
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: