Philadelphians Preemptively Burn City Down In Preparation For Winning Or Losing Super Bowl
Sports · Feb 12, 2023 ·

PHILADELPHIA, PA — To prepare for the aftermath of either winning or losing a football game, the citizens of Philadelphia have decided to pre-emptively raze the city to the ground.

"One way or the other it's going to burn," said local man Dylan Timms. "With Philly, you never have to wonder."

After nearly twenty years without a Super Bowl appearance, the city of Philadelphia is about two-thirds rebuilt from their last Super Bowl appearance. "Philly has such a tough reputation, everyone thinks it's so run-down," said long-time resident Macie Tapper. "What people don't understand is that the city was in pretty good shape before we torched it after our last Super Bowl win. Now, you might ask, why do we burn it down when we win? You might as well ask why the groundhog digs holes, or why the beaver builds dams. It's what Philadelphia does."

In addition to burning the buildings down, the city has planned ahead by greasing every single light pole in the city with thousands of gallons of high-grade lubricant. "Yeah, we got a few funny looks when we ordered thirty-thousand pounds of petroleum jelly," said City Manager Dave Rubeck. "But who will be laughing when people break their legs slipping off of light poles? Me. I'll be laughing."

At publishing time, Kansas City was reportedly preparing for the game's aftermath by grilling some meat and drinking beer, like a normal city.

Babylon Bee subscriber Kingdom of Judah contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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