PHILADELPHIA, PA — According to sources, the city of Philadelphia is being plagued by looters stealing from liquor stores, electronics stores, and shoe stores. Reports indicate the looters are noble impoverished people just trying to find bread to feed their children.
"I'm just out here trying to feed my kids!" said 17-year-old Dontel Mayes to reporters while beating a security guard to death with a brick. "I've smashed up 7 Gamestop stores so far, and haven't found any bread for the wife and 12 kids, so I guess I have to settle for this game system and a copy of Madden 24."
Another group of impoverished persons expressed similar disappointment after breaking into a liquor store, murdering the shopkeeper, drinking all the alcohol, and burning the place down. "They didn't have any bread here!" mourned a 380-pound single mother as she lit up a bottle of 192-proof and tossed it through the entrance. "Oh, if only some kind soul would help me find some bread before I starve!"
Upon hearing the news, Congresswoman AOC visited Philadelphia to cry in front of the ransacked stores and condemn them for their cruel lack of bread. "We live in a food desert. The least these Nike stores could do is carry some nutritious whole-grain bread to feed these starving people!" she said.
At publishing time, President Biden had expressed solidarity with the poor bread-seeking people and promised to address their plight by sending them a free pre-filled mail-in ballot for Democrats next November.
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