U.S. — Researchers at the nation's leading pharmaceutical companies are reportedly having second thoughts about their manufacturing methods for antidepressants, wondering if perhaps they should come up with a pill whose first side effect isn't "severe thoughts of suicide".
"It just seems like suicidal thoughts runs antithetical to our goals," said Dr. Stilton Abs. "Maybe we should try making something with severe thoughts of happy. I don't know, I'm just spitballing here."
According to sources, patients take antidepressants because they want to feel happy and not suicidal, which makes things very difficult for drug manufacturers who maintain it's nearly impossible to develop a drug that doesn't make people want to kill themselves. "Even Ozempic tends to spark thoughts of suicide if the patient doesn't lose weight fast enough," Dr. Waldron Maid, chief chemist for Drugs Medicine Inc., said. "In fact, the only thing we've made that doesn't make people want to die is the Flintstones vitamin."
At publishing time, the American Medical Association is recommending doctors only prescribe Flintstones Vitamins to their patients until they can develop a pill that doesn't make them want to jump off a cliff.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
