NEW YORK, NY - In a moment celebrated by all hard-working lobbyists, Pfizer announced that the COVID-19 vaccine will reduce average daily child COVID deaths from almost zero all the way down to almost zero.
"These are phenomenal results. Our internal studies have proven a microscopic benefit to an even more microscopic risk to children," stated Dee Pimbly, head of Pfizer's Department of Propaganda to a crowd of journalists who have not allowed their own children to bask in the warm glow of sunlight, or interact with other children for almost no reason whatsoever.
FDA officials praised Pfizer for fighting a virus that is the leading killer of children after cancer, vehicular accidents, suicide, heart disease, drowning, suffocation, the flu, meteors from space, and slipping on a banana peel. Experts say the vaccine will probably kill more kids than it saves, but it's ok because science.
When asked about any safety concerns, an FDA official replied, "We're excited to start giving it to them so we can find out."
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: