EAST PALESTINE, OH — Residents of a small Ohio town have been forced to evacuate after a deadly spill of vinyl chloride and butyl acrylate chemicals from a train derailment caught fire and destroyed surrounding farmland, waterways, and livestock. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was quick to respond, promising to investigate the tragedy for signs of racism.
"First of all, I want to reassure the citizens of East Palestine that I am still very gay," said the Transportation Secretary. "Also, I will do everything in my power to uncover the possible racist source of this deadly environmental disaster. Yes, East Palestine is a small Ohio Town full of white people, but we need to know how this may affect BIPOCS. I will leave no stone unturned."
Buttigieg has also not ruled out the possibility of foreign governments behind the incident. "Considering this happened in East Palestine, we shouldn't rule out a possible war crime perpetrated by the state of Israel," he said.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed Bill Gates had purchased all the land around East Palestine for a great price.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
