WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the morning after a tragic cargo ship accident and bridge collapse in Baltimore, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg called an emergency press conference to announce he is taking three more months of maternity leave.
"It has come to my attention that the twin babies I purchased at the baby store require more undivided attention," said Buttigieg. "I will be taking some much-needed time off to care for my children, and that is in no way related to the tragic bridge collapse that apparently happened somewhere. Right now, I need to be a mother to my children. Please respect my family's privacy during this time."
Buttigieg then refused to take questions before jumping into a waiting helicopter and flying out of sight.
According to sources, Buttigieg still has 38 months of paid maternity leave available should he need it.
At publishing time, Buttigieg had issued an update, saying he would be extending his leave through the end of December.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
