Bald Man Not Comforted By Fact That God Knows All The Hairs On His Head
Theology · Mar 25, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

UPLAND, CA — A local bald man disclosed that he was not able to take any comfort in the biblical passage which says God knows the number of hairs on his head.

Though many Christians throughout church history have rested on the fact that the Lord was so attentive to them that He knew and numbered each of the hairs on their heads, the man instead felt gravely concerned by the verse.

"That doesn't really put me at ease," said Garrett Lancaster, a bald man. "I know it's supposed to illustrate the Father's love and care for us in that He knows how many hairs we all have on our heads and numbers each one, but… I mean, look at me. Numbering the hairs on my head doesn't exactly take a lot of close examination or attention. Are guys like me excluded from that verse or something?"

A popular theologian attempted to assuage Lancaster's concern. "I can assure you God also cares deeply for bald men," said Dr. Raef Hargrave. "While it may be evident that the Lord quite obviously cares for people with thick, lustrous heads of hair a bit more, that should not be taken as an indication that He completely disregards bald people. He certainly cares for them. Somewhat."

At publishing time, despite any unsettling feeling over the verse, Lancaster remained steadfast in his faith. "Someday," he said, "At the end of my life on earth when I arrive in glory, I will receive a beautiful, eternal head of hair. Praise God!"


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