U.S. - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which we are assured is a real organization and not satirical, has called upon the MLB to change the name of the wooden sticks players hit the ball with from "bats" to something else as the name is very offensive to small, flying, nocturnal animals.

This call to action comes on the heels of PETA complaining about the name "bullpen" and demanding it be changed to "arm barn", which sounds like a store where you can buy high-quality prosthetic limbs.

"These hateful players swing these 'bats' and bash them into flying white balls at a high rate of speed," said PETA spokesperson Hal Xinderpopskin. "What kind of message do you think this sends? I'll tell you what message it sends: it says that it's OK to beat bats, which is probably a huge problem in some countries somewhere."

"Every time a player hits a homer, baseball fans are being indoctrinated with the idea that bats are somehow less than human."

At publishing time, PETA had also called upon the league to change the name of the "fly ball" as it could be very hurtful to small flying insects.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.