BLACK ROCK CITY, NV — People who chose to attend the infamous Burning Man Festival have been punished by being at the Burning Man Festival.

"If you're the sort of person who goes to Burning Man, you deserve to be at Burning Man," said local man Bob Stallings. "The horror."

Long known as a haven for the very depths of human depravity, the Burning Man Festival grounds have become cut off by floodwaters, trapping attendees. "Due to deteriorating road conditions, the people at Burning Man will have to be at Burning Man," said Police Chief Reggie Thompson. "They will face terrors few of us can imagine. There will be violent criminals strung out on meth, sex offenders lurking around every corner, all among the stench of human waste - also known as the Burning Man Festival."

As relief efforts stalled, the muddy roads trapping attendees have shown no signs of drying out. "It's looking dire," said local reporter Alicia Mills. "They're running out of shrooms, and fast. The LSD is already gone. We estimate that by this point, every attendee now has seventeen STDs. If they don't get out quick and get treated, well - it's going to burn for a long time."

At publishing time, theologians were speculating whether the Lord had sent rainwaters as a simple way of granting mankind the evil desires of his heart.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.