WASHINGTON, D.C.—While some have portrayed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's not sending the impeachment to the Senate as some sort of political strategy, it turns out that she’s delaying because she hopes no one notices she lost the impeachment certificate certifying President Donald Trump as officially impeached.
“We need to make sure this won’t be a sham trial in the Senate,” Pelosi told the press as she tried to casually look under some couch cushions. “We will wait until we get proper assurances that we’ll be able to call the witnesses we’ll need,” Pelosi stated as she headed for the Capitol lost-and-found box.
The impeachment certificate, which was issued when the House voted to impeach Trump, is the only thing that certifies Trump as impeached, and the trial can’t move forward until the certificate is presented to the Senate. The certificate can’t be copied -- as it has a holographic sticker proving its authenticity -- and if lost, ordering a new one takes at least 10 business days and costs an absurd $150.
Pelosi was seen trying to recall where she had last spotted it. “I remember seeing it near Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,” she was heard muttering to herself. “I bet that idiot folded it into a hat.”