DERRY, NH — After an intense competition, the winner of a local Miss America beauty pageant for a college scholarship was revealed to be the Patriarchy.
Brían Nguyen, the male winner who left twelve female competitors in the dust, accepted his prize on behalf of oppressive, dominating males everywhere. "I'm a beautiful lady! See? I shave my legs and stuff!" growled the 250-pound behemoth of a male. "I'm proud to show the world that men are better at being women than women are. Chalk up one more point for the patriarchy! WOOOOOOOOOO!"
Nguyen then shotgunned a beer and crushed the can on his head.
Sources say few expected Nyugen to win the contest, but he quickly shut down skepticism after posting perfect scores in the caber toss, pie eating contest, and parallel parking competitions — all new additions to the pageant.
"We hope Nyugen's performance sends a clear message to girls everywhere," said Jyrx Gruumer, the local pageant coordinator. "Men will continue to invade their spaces and their competitions until they dominate in every category, all opportunities are stripped from women, and women cease to be a real category of human being altogether. PROGRESS!"
At publishing time sources had confirmed pageants across the country are reinforcing their stages to bear the weight of the influx of male contestants this year.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.