U.S. — The thousands of babies alive today because of the Dobbs ruling have apologized to Republicans for contributing to their lackluster midterm results.
"We are so sorry that our not being murdered may have cost Republicans a few seats in the House," said the babies in a joint statement. "We know it can't make up for it, but perhaps ten thousand children escaping a violent death will somehow ease the blow."
While the Dobbs decision was expected to hurt Republicans, the babies born because of the ruling did admit to being caught off guard by voters. "We get it, we do cry a lot," said the babies. "We just had no idea that people would turn out in droves to vote Democrat, purely out of anger that no one got to crush our skulls. While that seems totally insane, what do we know - we're just helpless babies."
Though Americans came into the election generally displeased with the direction of the country, exit polls showed that the opportunity to murder a baby motivated a large contingent of voters to stick with the Democrats anyways. "Sure the country is in terrible shape, but what if you wanted to shoot a baby in the face and you couldn't?" asked local woman Rhonda McMullin. "I may not have electricity and might get mugged every hour, but it's all worth it to know I can kill a kid whenever I please. My sacred rights as a woman are safe and secure."
At publishing time, another House race had been called for the Democrats, but an infinitely precious embodied soul was breathing.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
