Show us a pulpit, and you’ve shown us everything we need to know about its pastor. In fact, our panel of theology experts on staff at The Babylon Bee have the God-given ability to judge with 99.97% accuracy the theology of a church just based on its pulpit. It’s quite a talent, and we’re pretty impressed ourselves.
Find your pastor’s pulpit in the list below, and be sure to let him know how he ranked.
No pulpit at all – If your church has no pulpit, your pastor has likely abandoned the preaching of the Word in favor of wandering around the stage aimlessly, telling “narrative theology” stories as a team of performers provides an interpretative dance. Theology rating: ROB BELL
Aluminum cafe table – Are you delivering the most holy God’s message for my life, or are we just chillin’ at Starbucks shooting the breeze? Theology rating: REALLY BAD
Music stand – A sermon preached from a music stand is actually just sharing what’s on your heart, and that’s just terrible. These “life lessons” are as flimsy as the cheap music stand from which they’re preached. Theology rating: JUST MEDIUM BAD
Custom stainless steel design – A modern pulpit constructed of stainless steel is sleek and attractive. But you know what else is sleek and attractive? SATAN. Theology rating: JOEL OSTEEN
Plexiglass pulpit – Plexiglass pulpits are designed to communicate transparency and vulnerability, but what they really communicate is theology that’s so lightweight you can see right through it. The pastor probably preaches messages with titles like “Principles for Living the Good Life” right out of the NLT. Theology rating: BUSH LEAGUE
Wooden lectern – A wooden lectern is for the pastor who knows good theology but isn’t too excited by it. His sermons are no-frills, passionless exercises in tedium. But he ain’t wrong, most of the time. Theology rating: NOT SURE, WE WERE ASLEEP THE WHOLE SERMON
Sturdy mahogany pulpit – There’s just about nothing more godly than a sermon preached off a classic wooden pulpit. The pastor clad in a snazzy suit and preaching off one of these bad boys doesn’t care what the world thinks—he only cares that you be convicted of your sin. Theology rating: JOHN MACARTHUR
Imposing elevated pulpit – For the pastor whose theology is high and lifted up, seated above the rest of those theological plebs. Theology rating: 5 OUT OF 5 POINTS OF CALVINISM
The helm of an old wooden warship – Now we’re cooking with gas. Only the bravest ministers of the gospel would break off the bow of an old wooden warship, install it in their church building, and preach the gospel like they’re commanding a fleet during the War of 1812. Theology rating: SPURGEON
If your pastor doesn’t measure up, it’s time to go pulpit shopping for instant theology improvement!