NEW ORLEANS, LA—According to sources close to Pastor Grant Watson, the 58-year-old Baptist minister who goes on an impassioned aside about “all these darned millennials” and “the kids these days” during every sermon can’t figure out why his church loses millennial members each and every year.
The pastor who manages to turn nearly every Bible text into an excuse for blaming all our nation’s problems on the millennial generation is “absolutely dumbfounded” that none of the demographic is staying at his church.
“I just don’t get it,” the pastor said. “We’ve got a great senior’s ministry, an in-depth Bible study every week, and a scheduled five-minute rant about how millennials are destroying this country, week in, week out. We should be blowing the doors out with these 20-35 year old youths.”
“They’re probably just text-snapping or insta-faceing on their darned iPhones,” he added, shaking his head.
At publishing time, the church had voted to move forward on a plan to hand out participation trophies for attendance every week in an attempt to woo the elusive demographic.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.