HUNTSVILLE, AL — Despite having faithfully shepherded his congregation for twelve years, local Pastor Reagan Johnson has been removed from his post after a concerned congregant notified the elder board of his failing to have "Husband. Father. Pastor." in his bio on Twitter.
"I am ashamed to bear the title of minister of the gospel while such flagrant sins are so evident in my life," said Mr. Johnson. "A Twitter bio with ‘Husband. Father. Pastor.' is first in the list of biblical qualifications for elders, and I have failed in this fundamental area."
In a rare show of church unity, leaders from every denomination have agreed to adopt the triune Twitter label for pastors. "It's one of the few things we believe in common," said local Pastor Sam Wakefield. "I love Reagan, he's a great guy - but you can't overlook this kind of negligence. We will pray for his restoration."
Johnson's public admission from the pulpit brought swift reaction from members as well, some of whom were quick to note that they had suspicions. "He doesn't even have a podcast – that alone should have been a red flag, if not an already disqualifying omission," said congregant Jack Trenton, as members of the congregation waited to boo and hurl objects at the disgraced pastor. "How could you? We trusted you!" shouted the angry crowd.
At publishing time, an investigation revealed further sin patterns as Pastor Johnson had also failed to spark vicious Twitter disputes with other pastors who had only 99% doctrinal agreement with him.
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