BEIJING — The Chinese Communist Party has assured world leaders that the massive fleet of warships heading toward Taiwan is just checking on the weather in the Taiwan Strait.
"Not to worry, those are simply meteorological destroyers," said Wei Fenghe, China's Minister of National Defense. "And the bombers circling overhead, they are just monitoring cloud patterns. Relax, everyone."
Upon sighting the ships, Taiwan immediately alerted the United States that the incoming warships might be used for war. However, President Biden was quickly reassured by President Xi Jinping that any explosions in the Taiwan Strait were simply part of a very intense meteorological mission. "Mr. Xi said they can use artillery shells launched towards an island to learn more about which way the wind blows! Not a joke!" said President Biden. "That's tackling climate change right there. Now to be honest, I'm not sure how aircraft carriers help learn about weather, but President Xi said not to worry about it. I can't wait to see what all he does!"
President Xi announced that the Chinese Communist Party has developed several new units recently, including meteorological tanks, helicopters, and grenades. "We plan to deploy these weather units all across the globe," said President Xi. "We have learned much about the weather in Hong Kong, and now it's time to study Taiwan. The Chinese Communist Party appreciates America's patience while we battle climate change, one country at a time."
At publishing time, President Xi assured Biden that the intercontinental ballistic missiles flying overhead were simply "meteorological missiles."
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: