WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nancy Pelosi has been re-elected as speaker by Democrats in Congress, despite her being 298 years old. According to sources, it was not clear exactly how Pelosi was still alive or exactly what was physically holding her together as she lifted the gavel in triumph.

"Pelosi is the candidate of the future," said Rep. Gerald Connolly, who was visibly nervous. "She will make a great speaker and I look forward to working with her to protect my career-- um, I mean the American people." 

Democrat representatives insist their vote was based solely on Pelosi's stellar record and not on the fact that she can destroy their lives and careers forever and ever. 

"Pelosi is just the kind of fresh-faced dame we need," said Biden, responding to the news. "Youngsters like her have all the good ideas and all the energy needed to stock the applesauce next to the trampoline bologna!"

Pelosi is expected to serve for the next two years or until her head falls off, whichever comes first.