Panic At White House As All The Stores Are Out Of Depends
Politics · Oct 19, 2021 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Anonymous sources are reporting heightened stress in the hallways of the White House. One source close to the Biden family revealed that the supply chain crisis currently gripping our nation has now reached the home of the Commander-In-Chief.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a White House staff member charged with stocking the East Wing with everyday necessities like tissues, toilet paper, young girls, ice cream, and underwear featuring maximum absorbency and a bold, masculine design for a smooth, sleek fit, has been having trouble finding that last item on the list.

"When I told the First Lady store shelves were empty, she yelled at me, then instructed the Secret Service to meet her in the White House craft room with a package of Huggies, some scissors, and rolls of duct tape," said the exhausted staffer.

Some crazed conspiracy theorists claim the recent rise in FBI raids on senior living centers can be directly tied to the shortage of products promising incontinence protection for men in a variety of styles, absorbencies, and colors.

At press time, Dr. Jill Biden was overheard threatening to shorten Transportation Secretary Buttigieg's six-month paternity leave if he did not solve the supply chain crisis quickly. 

The press asked Jen Psaki if the Biden administration has the fortitude to get the economy flowing again while preventing further crises from leaking into his weak approval rating. 

"Well, the answer to that is unclear at this time," said Psaki. "It Depends®."

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