NEW YORK, NY — Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas issued an impassioned plea at the U.N. this week, begging Western powers for aid to help hospitals in Gaza, which he says are running dangerously low on ammunition.

"The situation for our dedicated Palestinian healthcare professionals is dire," he said. "They are out of 7.62 ammunition, rocket-propelled grenades, and C4 to strap onto adolescent boys. Soon, we will be severely crippled in our ability to kill Jews. We call on the U.S. and Europe to send money to help us before it's too late."

The Biden Administration has responded, sending $100 million to Hamas on the strict condition that they promise they were just kidding about all that ammunition stuff and will really use the money to buy things like Tylenol and bandages. "I looked in the eyes of the Hamas leader, and I trust him," said Biden. "We stood man to man like when Matt Dillon faced the Mexican dog-faced pony-soldiers in Bonanza. If he goes back on his word I'll wrap a chain around his head, Jack!"

The Palestinian Authority was quick to clarify that in spite of the request for ammunition, Hamas has never operated from hospitals or used children as human shields or done anything wrong or hurt anyone ever.

At publishing time, $100 million worth of rockets had been delivered to hospitals in the region.

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