USA — In a stunning breakthrough for the cleaning industry, Oxi-Clean announced today the release of their most powerful cleaning product yet: Oxi-Clean Clinton-Strength! The revolutionary stain remover was specifically designed to tackle the toughest of stains, including stubborn bloodstains that have been plaguing carpets worldwide.
"Oxi-Clean 'Clinton-Strength' promises to obliterate even the most stubborn and hard-to-remove marks left by unfortunate accidents," said spokesman Anthony Sullivan in a new infomercial. "Whether you're a clumsy cook, a messy eater, or just trying to hide all traces of a murder — Oxi-Clean's 'Clinton-Strength' formula has got you covered!"
"Our product is proven to cover up one-hundred percent of evidence, just as if nothing ever happened," added Sullivan. "It's like having the full force of the Clinton Foundation, right at your fingertips. Now everyone can unlock the power to make pesky, incriminating crime scenes a thing of the past!"
"But wait there's more!" announced the Oxi-Clean spokesman at publishing time. "The Clinton strength formula isn't just good for removing unwanted blood stains — it's also guaranteed to make dress stains vanish!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
