Health
University Of Oxford Reports Vaccine Trial #666 Was Successful

OXFORD—A research team at the University of Oxford announced today that after 665 failed trials of a vaccine for the coronavirus, trial number 666 was successful. Trial #666, codenamed "The Beast," provoked the desired immune system response researchers have been searching for.

"This vaccine will stop humanity--er, I mean, coronavirus in its tracks," the head researcher on the vaccine project, Dr. Lucy Ferre, said at a press conference this morning. "We can get through these several years of tribulation together as long as we all take the mar--I mean, the vaccine."

The novel vaccine can be injected into either your hand or your forehead, Ferre says. She also recommended that grocery stores and other businesses require the vaccine before people can buy and sell goods. She also made strange comments about "devouring humanity" and "serving the dark lord," but she was probably just tired.

Mostly, though, Ferre was just deeply grateful for the "divine intervention" that helped researchers to finally crack the code of the effective vaccine.

"Someone downstairs is definitely watching over us. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Err, I mean, um, I am both honored and humbled to serve mankind in this way," she concluded.

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