JACKSONVILLE, FL — A married couple was seen wandering the mall Monday, when the owner of one cool knife stopped to take a gander at more cool knives on display in the window of the Stabology storefront. The owner of 73 purses then asked her companion why he needed more than one cool knife.
"Don't you already have a cool knife?" asked the woman who owned a batch of purses for each day of the week. "And didn't it cost a lot of money?" She added, somehow forgetting about her Vera Bradley satchel.
A look of confusion appeared on the face of the owner of one cool knife as he began to explain the functional differences between his cool knife at home and the cooler knife calling to him through the pane of glass like a watery siren.
"See, this one has a gut hook, handy for field dressing deer or elk, even wild boar," said the man who has never hunted deer, elk, or wild boar.
The owner of 28 trendy water bottles shrugged off the knife aficionado's reasoning and reminded him that they were trying to save up for porch furniture, unaware that her husband was calculating the dollar value of her closet full of shoes whilst praying for the patience of Job.
At publishing time, the owner of one cool knife had refrained from purchasing another cool knife, and was last seen pouting silently in his garage full of 37 unused power tools.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
