SAN MATEO, CA — In honor of Trans Visibility Week, Crystal Dynamics' next installment of the beloved Tomb Raider franchise will reportedly replace treasure hunter Lara Croft with transgender TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
"Lara Croft is a beloved character, but she has served her purpose. Her voluptuous body that was somehow capable of advanced acrobatics and superhuman combat advanced women's rights by a good 20 years," said a representative from publisher Square Enix. "Now it's time for her to pass the torch to a real woman: Dylan Mulvaney."
Early previews of the next game show Mulvaney prancing flamboyantly through ancient ruins saying classic Tomb Raider phrases, like: "Ancient Mayan temples? Love 'em!" and "Tee hee hee!"
Though Mulvaney's likeness and voice will be lent to the project, motion capture will be handled by veteran stuntwomen as the trans icon reportedly had trouble moving like a real woman.
"It was probably some glitch," said Lead Animator Bill Benjamins. "Dylan is a very real and attractive woman who is very womanly and is a woman. Dylan is a woman. Please don't murder me."
Tomb Raider: The Lost Tampon has a planned release date of December 15.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.