HOUSTON, TX - After enduring years of criticism for allegedly mishandling the Bible and leading people to hell with a false gospel of prosperity and "living your best life now," Joel Osteen has fired back at his critics.
According to Osteen, any attack against him is really just an "attack against the Bible."
"An attack on me is an attack on the Bible. I am just following the Scripture," he said, shrugging. "I pretty much AM the Scripture, you know?"
When the interviewer pointed out that many of the things he teaches are 100% contrary to the true gospel of the Bible, Osteen got angry.
"I AM the Bible!" he shouted. "Why are you such an anti-Bible bigot!?
Finally, Osteen took a deep breath. "I apologize," he said, smiling. "Whoops-a-daisy! I got a little, well, a little hot under the collar there. I hope y'all will forgive me. Anyway, I'm the Bible and if you disagree with me, you hate the Bible."
Osteen is also saying he will continue to "follow the Scriptures" and wear a "mask" while at church so that everyone thinks he is a Christian.