BEVERLY HILLS, CA—After Kevin Hart was forced out as Oscar host over decade-old jokes that were deemed homophobic, the Oscars committee was scrambling to find a replacement that absolutely no one would find offensive.
Well, it looks like they found their man: a boom box that will play entirely inoffensive, calming ambient noise throughout the ceremony.
The traditional opening monologue, according to sources, will just be a track dubbed "Amazon Rainforest." Oscars attendees will be soothed by the sounds of rain falling in a lush rainforest as pictures of idyllic locations will be played on a screen. Stagehands will be ready to charge onstage and tackle the boom box, should anyone become upset by its tranquil sounds.
After each part of the ceremony, the boom box will be placed on stage, and an assistant will cue up a cassette tape with a different track to help everyone at the Oscars feel safe, warm, and loved. Of course, the boom box is not sentient and so cannot actually announce the presentation of any awards. The Oscars committee says this is by design, as no one will be offended by not getting an award.
At publishing time, the boom box had been forced out over accusations that its "African Savannah" noises were cultural appropriation, and that the faint sound of a police siren in "City Sounds" might be triggering.