HONG KONG—Citizens oppressed by the totalitarian Chinese government have issued an apology after making life difficult for NBA players over the past week.
"Look, we never meant to make your lives difficult---we are so, so sorry," said a representative for Chinese dissenters. His name has been withheld to protect him from imprisonment or execution by authorities. "We never realized just how hard it was to throw a ball through a hoop and make millions of dollars."
Oppressed Chinese citizens admitted that their constant fear of being punished by their corrupt Communist government is nothing compared with the concerns of tweeting a couple things that might get some backlash, or losing a percentage of your profits because you spoke up against totalitarianism. From protesters in the semi-autonomous Hong Kong to the underground church in China, Chinese people from all walks of life offered their deepest apologies for being insensitive to the struggles of being a rich basketball player.
"It was wrong of us to minimize the hurt and pain felt by LeBron James, whose net worth is around half a billion dollars," said the representative. "In fact, I would go so far as to say---"
Unfortunately, his communication with us was cut off as he was apprehended by Hong Kong police.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.