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Opposing Factions Break Into Intense Dance-Off At SBC Annual Meeting

DALLAS, TX—Tension between various political and theological movements within the Southern Baptist Convention has set the stage for a historic annual meeting in Dallas this year, and those tensions almost immediately flared up on the first day of the convention, with an explosive dance-off breaking out just after SBC president Steve Gaines welcomed conference attendees.

One group reportedly called a sect pushing for racial reconciliation within the SBC a “bunch of liberal, limp-wristed, neo-Marxist race-baiters,” prompting them to respond by labeling the more conservative wing a “gang of misogynist, racist, hick cavemen.” The dispute grew more and more violent, until the dangerous, impromptu dance-off broke out.

“The best we can tell, J.D. Greear kicked things off with the Macarena, and everything just got out of control from there,” Russell Moore told reporters as he nursed a black eye from a well-timed dab. “The younger attendees have been cleaning our clocks with their break dancing moves, the worm—even the floss!”

“It’s a massacre, I tell you. A massacre!” he screamed, before ducking a potentially deadly sprinkler move.

The dance-off grew in size until nearly the entire convention was attacking one another with dance moves. At one point, Jack Graham was assaulted by several young men “whippin’ and nae nae-ing,” prompting the pastor to unleash the entire dance from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” The young men fled in terror.

At publishing time, Al Mohler was seen attempting to subdue the violent dancers with a fire hose.