Hey there, can I talk to you for a second? Is everything all right? Barb said she noticed you were absent from church last week, and I wanted to make sure everything's okay. 

I know there were flash floods that weekend, and I heard through the prayer chain that a tree fell on your roof. But you know, there's always going to be a million reasons not to make it to church; whether the big game was on, your car broke down, or the accidental dismemberment of you or a loved one. Whatever the reason is, I get it. The enemy loves to fill up our time with these distractions. 

But let me ask you this: If Noah made time for God when the entire world flooded, don't you think you could have braved a little hydroplaning? If Jesus died on the cross and still showed up the next Sunday, do you really think a little leaking and ruined carpet should hold you back? I know you're concerned about the hole in your roof, but I'm just concerned about the hole in your heart.

Look, I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you or make you feel bad. I'm just a little bit concerned about where your priorities are. And also, you're probably going to Hell. I mean, sure, if the safety of your family and the structure of your house are more important than God, then that's your choice to make. But, as your pastor, I wouldn't be doing my duty if I didn't check in with you to see where your heart is. 

While we're on the subject, I noticed you haven't been volunteering for many ministries at church. Again, I know there's always going to be excuses, like running your own full-time non-profit to fight human trafficking, but do you really think that's more important than serving God? The Hospitality Ministry has been low on donuts the last few Sunday mornings; I'm sure you could help fill that crucial need.

Anyway, as I said, I'm not trying to bring you down. Hope to see you this Sunday, I'll be teaching on doing good works for The Lord, and not just for Man.

Watch how a D.E.I. consultant magically turns a video game into... well, something else entirely.