The problem with kids these days is they're soft, like the Pillsbury Doughboy. They play with their cyber reality face goggles and their iPods and eDroids and what-not all day long. They've never experienced any real hardship.

If you ask me -- and maybe you didn't, but I'm gonna tell you anyway -- you know what would harden them up? A good, old-fashioned world war.

The real problem with this generation is they haven't gotten into a bloody conflict spanning the globe with tens of millions of casualties. Oh, sure, they've played their Call of Honors and their Medal of Duty games, but they've never had the thrill of sitting in a trench for weeks hoping you don't get typhoid. It's just not the same! Peace has made these kids soft, and hunkering down in a foxhole crying as German 88 shells come screaming in would do them some good.

If we'd just start up a good world war, we wouldn't have an Antifa problem anymore, I can tell you that!

"Oh, but Mr. Rutherford, what about the millions of people who died?" What can I say? It's war, kid. In war, you toughen up, you get stronger, or you get shot. You don't get any "extra lives." You don't get to put any more quarters in there and try to jump over that blasted monkey's barrels one more time. You just get squished. That'll make a man out of you. Or, you know, it will kill you. But it's better being dead than being a Commie kid out on the streets whining about "food" and "healthcare" before going home to your mommy's basement.

So, if any world leaders are listening, someone go assassinate an archduke and let's get this party started.