Op-Ed
Op-Ed: Sure, I'll Pay For Your Student Loans -- Once You Start Mowing My Goshdarn Lawn, Ya Lazy Bum

I never cared for no fancy-pants with no college education. I never made a secret about this neither. I despise them, with their soft hands and their useless book-learning. The real way you get to learn things is to get out there and build things with your hands, shoot people in a war, and have to fend off angry badgers with a shovel. That’s called real knowledge, and you only get it by doing real things -- something them college folk don’t know nothin’ about.

But now them college dummies are crying about how expensive their useless book-learning was. Now normally I’d just laugh and laugh at them, but here’s the crazy thing: They want to use my tax dollars to pay for their college education they never should have got in the first place! I already don’t like most of the things tax dollars pay for, but now I’m supposed to pay for a bunch of dummies going to a university to learn how to be commies?

Well, I ain’t heartless. Yeah, I guess you can’t pay off that $100,000 in debt for your gender studies degree -- on account of you having no useful skills -- so I’ll make you a deal: I will help pay for your dumb college degree, but you have to mow my lawn.

That’s right. Every week you come out here and you mow my lawn. And you do a good job. Make it nice and even. And you have to do edging too -- oh, you better believe you’re going to edge. And then I will put some money toward that college loan you got ‘cause you a nitwit.

I can hear them college kids whining now: “But I don’t know how to do any actual work! Can’t I just wave signs and yell at people? Because that’s all I learned from college.” Yeah, this is going to hurt if you ain’t never done physical labor before, but think of it. Afterward, you will have a marketable skill -- lawn mowing. That’s one more marketable skill than your Marxist professors taught you.

So it’s time for you college kids to put down your beer bongs and your marijuana joints, roll up your sleeves, and mow my lawn. And then, in about forty years I guess, you’ll have paid off that student loan you never wouldn’t have gotten in the first place if you'd had any sense.

You’re welcome!

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