Op-Ed: Die Hard Is NOT A Christmas Movie
Op-Ed · Dec 22, 2021

There's a lot of debate over a seemingly inconsequential topic, but I feel I must weigh in. It's become increasingly common for people to claim that the 1988 action thriller Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Well, there are a few things I know well: genocide, evil, and the proper classification of Christmas movies, so let's put this debate to rest once and for all.

Now, let's make one thing clear right away: Just because a movie takes place at Christmas time doesn't make it a Christmas movie. Yes, Die Hard is all staged around a Christmas party, but the important thing for a Christmas movie is the theme of Christmas. For instance, much of It's a Wonderful Life doesn't take place at Christmas (and I would bet some of the same subversives calling Die Hard a Christmas movie might think they're so clever saying It's a Wonderful Life isn't one). But the important thing is that It's a Wonderful Life has a theme of family and love, making it an actual Christmas movie. On the other hand, Die Hard is just all about killing terrorists (and why do Germans have to be the bad guys?).

And the thing is, everyone understands this. They just think they're being so cheeky saying, "Let's watch a Christmas movie!" and then putting on a movie filled with machine guns and violence. Well, the joke is over. No one would ever get away with such nonsense if I were in charge. The first person who tried to pretend Die Hard was a Christmas movie would have been made an example of, and none would follow his anti-society ways.

So this Christmas, watch Elf or Miracle on 34th Street or even that one with the BB gun, but don't you dare put on Die Hard, or you will have made an enemy of Adolf Hitler.


Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.

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