BRISBANE — In a last-minute, unexpected twist, the 2024 U.S. presidential election was turned on its ear today by the sudden news that beloved conservative candidate Bandit Heeler had entered the race.
The role model for fathers around the world announced his candidacy this morning, positioning himself as the one, true conservative with broad appeal who could unite the electorate in ways neither Joe Biden nor Donald Trump can.
"It's time for a change, mate," Bandit said as he declared his candidacy. "I reckon I've done an alright job of bein' a husband and a dad to my two girls, so I might as well make a run at the White House. I mean, how difficult can it be to beat a guy who's a little looney and another bloke who has a bunch of federal indictments on his plate? Easiest job I'll ever have! Cheers."
Political analysts were left scrambling to determine what effect Bandit's late-stage entry may have on the race. "This turns everything into a free-for-all," said one insider. "Trump thought he had the election in the bag, but our early poll results indicate Bandit Heeler is more likable than any presidential candidate on record. He's off the charts. A true phenomenon."
While questions were raised about Bandit's eligibility due to not being an American citizen, constitutional scholars believe the fact that he's a cartoon character may provide him with a loophole.
At publishing time, Bandit's popularity experienced another surge after he announced his make-believe hand puppet emu "Shaun" as his vice presidential running mate.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
