LOS ANGELES — Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani signed a record-shattering $700 million contract today with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which will net him about 58 bucks after taxes.

"I am very happy to have signed the largest baseball contract of all time," said Ohtani through an interpreter. "I am thankful the Dodgers believe I am worth $700 million, which I am told after taxes will allow me to purchase two full-size sandwiches from Jimmy John's. I am hoping to finally try the Italian Night Club."

Considered by some to be the most talented baseball player in history, Ohtani will earn $70 million each year for the next ten years. "After taxes, it comes out to about six bucks per year, so Ohtani may have to wait a couple years if he really wants to spring for a full-size sandwich," said commentator Bob Costas. "Now, if he wants to go for one of the 'Little John' sandwiches, that may be in range right away. On the other hand, if we're adding 'Jimmy Chips' and a drink, we're talking three years in at best."

While some have questioned the Dodgers committing such an incredible amount of money to one player, the front office has said the decision was a no-brainer. "Shohei Ohtani is truly a generational talent," explained Dodgers' controlling owner Mark Walter. "$700 million is an astronomical figure, but we were committed to paying Ohtani enough that post-tax he could one day enjoy a Jimmy Pickle. It's been his dream since childhood, and today is a dream come true."

At publishing time, Ohtani had found himself homeless after California had announced a one-hundred-percent tax on anyone making more than $10 million per year.

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