ATLANTA, GA — Campaign staffers were sent into a frenzy ahead of tonight's presidential debate as they realized President Joe Biden attempted to cheat on a drug test by submitting a sample from his son Hunter instead.
Though initially resistant to complying with drug testing before the debate, reports indicated Biden agreed to do so at the last minute while passing off Hunter's urine sample as his own in a deceptive effort to pass.
"This isn't going to turn out well," said one flustered Biden campaign insider. "He handed in Hunter's sample? HUNTER?! Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how many illegal substances that guy has in his bloodstream at all times? He's like a walking pharmacy! This could ruin everything."
When asked about the rumored test sample switch, President Biden denied any wrongdoing. "Listen up, folks. My sample will be clean as a whistle," he said. "Not only am I not on… not on… not doing any… not… the stuff, but even if I did submit my son's sample, he's the greatest, smartest man I know. He's never done anything wrong. Except for all the crack and whatever. Pancakes."
Early reports indicated that the sample submitted by President Biden contained too many foreign chemical compounds to accurately count, leaving experts confused about which Biden it belonged to. "Honestly, it could be a toss-up," one lab technician disclosed.
At publishing time, the Biden campaign issued a statement clarifying that crack cocaine, meth, mescaline, PCP, mushrooms, and bath salts were not on the list of substances banned for use by the candidates for the debate.
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