ROME — Scholars claim to have stumbled upon previously forgotten documents within the Vatican Secret Archives that, they say, prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Apostle Paul spent at least five hours a day arguing online with other Christians.
"That's a straw man, my dude. Get rekt!!!" one such post reads.
According to sources, the documents are fragments of a printout from Ancient Reddit. Though there's not enough left of the document to determine with 100% certainty, scholars believe it was printed on a first-century dot matrix printer.
Another fragment, attributed to Paul, reads, "See what large font I use as I type to you with my own hand! I'll even bold some words to make it easier for you to understand, you heretic!"
The third and final recovered fragment reads, "It's a metaphor!"
Scholars are currently debating the precise context for these ancient online fragments.
Speculation that Paul spent a lot of time online has persisted for years, stemming from language analysis of his letters to the Corinthians.
"His epistles read more like lengthy Reddit posts than letters," claimed Dr. Thurston Whales, a professor of Sacred Scripture at The Marianum, a local pontifical institute. "I imagine a gnostic replying 'tl;dr' and then getting absolutely eviscerated by Paul."
Introverted Christians are reportedly thrilled by the news, believing their online rantings to be justified and the Internet now upheld as a viable means of spreading the gospel.
"I hate talking about the gospel in person, but it's fun to go online and call people heretics if they disagree with me," said Jill Krentis, a 23-year-old professing Christian. "I was feeling a little guilty, but if Paul told people to get rekt, then so can I!"
At publishing time, fragments of first-century Yelp reviews written by the Apostle Peter were discovered that illustrate a sudden interest in BBQ Pork Ribs. "5 stars! Who knew this could taste so good?!" one such post proclaimed.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
