U.S. — Fast-food giant Taco Bell introduced Imodium A-D sauce packets to help customers combat the explosive diarrhea caused by consuming the restaurant chain's food.
With the cyclospora outbreak traced back to lettuce served by Taco Bell, the chain moved quickly to release several flavors and offerings of Imodium AD sauce to help offset the tremendously powerful strain of diarrhea.
"Cover your Crunchwrap Supreme in delicious 'Tangy Imodium' and you'll be good to go," said Taco Bell President Meg Farren. "Just like our hot sauce, we have an entire lineup of different strengths of Imodium sauces for customers to enjoy. There's 'Mild,' 'Explosive,' and 'Dear Lord, This Is The End?' sauces. Whatever's firing out your backside, there's now a sauce for that."
Early reviews had thus far been overwhelmingly positive. "The new Imodium sauce has brought balance to the Force, so to speak," said local customer Kyle Ramirez. "Now, there's a fair fight going on inside your digestive system. There's a battle in your colon between the Kingdom of the North and the Kingdom of the South. It's a tight contest."
At publishing time, Taco Bell had announced that it was testing a new loyalty program in which every tenth bathroom visit earns customers a free crunchy taco.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
