SHECHEM — A young sheep in Israel was left horrified today after it suddenly dawned on him that he was, in fact, a young male lamb without any spots or blemishes, giving him every indication that his life would end at a very early age.
"The realization hit me like a ton of bricks," the lamb said. "I was out grazing in the field with the rest of the sheep, and I looked around and saw that they all had streaks, spots, and blemishes, while my wool is completely perfect. Do you know what happens to sheep without spots?!"
The young sheep was especially terrified due to the fact that his owner really struggles to go more than a few hours without sinning in some way. "Ahaziah is always getting into some sort of trouble," the lamb explained. "He takes trips to the temple in Jerusalem all the time, usually taking a few animals with him. Then he comes back a couple of days later, the animals are gone, and he's literally got blood on his hands!"
The Law of Moses gives clear instructions to Israelites when it comes to selecting animals for sacrifices, which often leaves spotless and attractive livestock living on borrowed time. "There are so many things I wanted to do in my life," the lamb said sadly. "Why can't God have some plan to have one sacrifice for all the sins of all people, once and for all? But I know Ahaziah has a big party planned next week, so I already see the writing on the wall. Goodbye, cruel world!"
At publishing time, the lamb was seen desperately attempting to paint spots on itself to avoid what seemed to be an inevitable, bloody end.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!