VOLCANO LAIR - Finally, in a triumph of feminism, we have a girl James Bond, Jane Bond, to prove that women are just as capable as, and maybe even more capable than, men. Her first adventure was going well, with Jane Bond sneaking through the villain Silverfoot's lair, but when she found where Silverfoot kept his evil plans, disaster struck: The plans were sealed inside a pickle jar.
Jane Bond struggled to open the jar to retrieve the plans for ten minutes, finally giving up so she could instead find the temperature controls for the hollowed-out volcano, as she was feeling cold. She shrieked when she saw a spider, though, and was quickly captured.
"So, Silverfoot, do you expect me to talk?" asked Jane Bond while she was strapped to a table with a laser inching toward her to cut her in two.
"No, you're always talking," Silverfoot replied. "I just want you to shut up for once."
"Too bad! We're talking!"
Jane Bond's gambit of trying to talk about her relationship with the supervillain worked, causing Silverfoot to flee the room and giving her an opportunity to escape. She caused millions of pounds in property damage, though, in the ensuing car chase, most of it at the very end when she tried to parallel park her Aston Martin.
It was a rough first outing, and she was happy to end it with an appletini (shaken, not stirred).
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
