Op-Ed: Oh, You Made Resolutions? That's Cute.
Celebs · Jan 2, 2017 · BabylonBee.com

Happy New Year, and I pray your affections are stirred most strongly toward our Lord Jesus Christ this coming year.

I couldn't help but notice that you made some resolutions this year. Something about trying to show up on time for work more often, or to read a book from start to finish perhaps? Or else an attempt to lose ten pounds over the next couple of months?

I think it's great that you have some resolutions. Adorable, really.

In case you didn't know, I made like, 70 of them. They're pretty famous. You might call me the Godfather of resolutions. And mine weren't just simple goals like "losing weight" or "going to the gym." Oh no.

Here, check out my resolution number 24:

Resolved, whenever I do any conspicuously evil action, to trace it back, till I come to the original cause; and then both carefully endeavor to do so no more, and to fight and pray with all my might against the original of it.

Or how about number seven:

Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.

Let the gravity of that one sink in for a second. What was your big resolution about again? Something about abstaining from Diet Coke?

But really, I'm happy you made a resolution for yourself. It's really cute. Like when your kid tries to draw a picture of a puppy but it looks like some kind of hellish seven-legged beast instead. Really, give yourself a pat on the back.

Lord's blessings to you.


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