Op-Ed: Oh, You Made Resolutions? That’s Cute.

Happy New Year, and I pray your affections are stirred most strongly toward our Lord Jesus Christ this coming year.

I couldn’t help but notice that you made some resolutions this year. Something about trying to show up on time for work more often, or to read a book from start to finish perhaps? Or else an attempt to lose ten pounds over the next couple of months?

I think it’s great that you have some resolutions. Adorable, really.

In case you didn’t know, I made like, 70 of them. They’re pretty famous. You might call me the Godfather of resolutions. And mine¬†weren’t just simple goals like “losing weight” or “going to the gym.” Oh no.

Here, check out my resolution number 24:

Resolved, whenever I do any conspicuously evil action, to trace it back, till I come to the original cause; and then both carefully endeavor to do so no more, and to fight and pray with all my might against the original of it.

Or how about number seven:

Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.

Let the gravity of that one sink in for a second. What was your big resolution about again? Something about abstaining from Diet Coke?

But really, I’m happy you made a resolution for yourself. It’s really cute. Like when your kid tries to draw a picture of a puppy but it looks like some kind of hellish seven-legged beast instead. Really, give yourself a pat on the back.

Lord’s blessings to you.