NEW YORK, NY—Democratic candidate for Congress Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was in the middle of a run-of-the-mill interview—blankly staring at the interviewer for a minute straight after being asked how she’d pay for all the social programs she’s proposing—when disaster struck. She noticed a book on a table nearby and reached over to pick it up before anyone could stop her.
“Aieeee! It burns ussss!” Ocasio-Cortez screamed as her hand burst into flames from touching the book on rudimentary economic concepts. She claimed she had never seen one of those “dreadful things” before and wasn’t aware how much damage it could do.
She was immediately rushed to the hospital.
“As socialism has become increasingly popular, we’ve been seeing more and more of this,” said Doctor Pauline Hudson, who treated Ocasio-Cortez for third-degree burns. “Often it’s a severe-allergic reaction to math. Socialist policies are all well and good, but if you adopt them, you want to stay far away from even basic economic idea like supply and demand. It’s not pretty what happens when the two collide.”
Ocasio-Cortez is expected to make a full-recovery and seems undaunted by the incident, already proposing even more programs she thinks the government should pay for, like dog-walking. In the future, she says she’ll be more careful. Luckily, Ocasio-Cortez is expected to easily win her heavily Democratic district which means she’s headed for our nation’s Capitol, a place that’s traditionally been a safe space from economics and math.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.