Politics
Obviously Confused Amash Runs For President Even Though We Already Have Two Choices

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Justin Amash apparently can’t count to two. If he could, he’d notice that the U.S. already has two options for president: Donald Trump and Joe Biden. And yet the confused Amash has now entered the race as some sort of option beyond the two.

“I have no idea what’s going on,” said pundit Troy Bennett. “We already have a first party and a second party. I don’t even know what you’d call this additional party entering the race. It’s chaos.”

Presidential elections are when the American public chooses between a Republican and a Democrat for president. If they choose the wrong one, it could cause the complete destruction of all they hold dear. Luckily, they’ve always chosen the right one each election, and the country has continued to exist. It is unknown how some sort of option beyond Republican and Democrat could affect things, though, and scientists are baffled.

“We really have no idea how to characterize this unprecedented phenomenon,” said researcher Dr. Eric Rowe, who is currently studying advanced theoretical political science at the Large Hadron Collider. “It’s like how things in the universe are either charged negatively or positively -- there’s no third way. The mind can’t even process that. So, yes, voting for Amash could cause the collapse of the entire universe. Or the candidate you least like to be elected. Whichever is worse.”

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