SAO PAULO - Speaking to a crowd in Brazil, former US president Barack Obama bemoaned the fact that it's way too easy for Americans to get their hands on the Constitution.

"Any American can just go on the internet and look at the Constitution, or head to their local library and check out a copy," Obama said. "Constitutions are available at any book store---you could even buy them at the gas station or 7-11 if you wanted to, no background check required. Unlike other, more progressive countries, Americans are steeped in a culture of rights, which is just terrible when you're trying to be a tyrant."

Obama told the Brazilians gathered that it was impossible for him to convey just how backward Americans are when it comes to knowledge of their rights.

"Picture a dystopia where the populace is well aware of their God-given rights---that's the kind of nightmare that we live in up in the United States," he continued. "But my fellow politicians and I have been doing our best to change the culture and enact some common-sense Constitution control."

The former president then went on to tell horrified Brazilians about how anyone can walk into a Subway and purchase a tactical nuke.