WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Barack Obama released a 678-page memoir today about getting his portrait done, entitled A Portrait of a Portrait.

"Me, me, me," said Obama at a book signing. "Good gracious, I love me. Would you look at me? Amazing. Hey! Any of you worthless peasants want to listen to me read words from me about me having someone paint me?"

In the first several chapters of the memoir, Mr. Obama explains why he chose a completely empty background for his portrait. "After hours of thinking, it finally dawned on me - everything else sucks except for me," writes Mr. Obama. "Why should anyone waste paint on anything other than me? Plus, the white background means it's completely different from every other presidential portrait, so everyone will ignore those other schmucks and just look at me."

The new memoir comes just three months after Mr. Obama's last memoir about how much he likes toast. "Promise you won't tell Mr. Obama, but we aren't even publishing half of the memoirs he writes. It's just too much," said Mark Rothschild, CEO of Penguin Random House. "I've got seven more memoirs hidden in my desk right now, and two of them are about buying shoes at Foot Locker. The man needs therapy."

At publishing time, Mr. Obama had announced he would be releasing a new memoir next month, which would be about the time he wrote a memoir about the time he got his portrait done.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.