The New York Times And 8 Other Great Toilet Paper Alternatives
Sponsored · Oct 11, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

Brought to you by: Bumroll

Everything's more expensive in this economy, including toilet paper! If you're looking to save some money on pricey bathroom tissue, here are a few equally viable alternatives for wiping your posterior.

Use these today and start saving:

  1. The New York Times: Starting with the obvious one here. This option is probably more expensive, but totally worth it.
  2. US Currency: Soft, strong, and utterly worthless!
  3. Expired Biblical prophecy books: It's probably safe to go ahead and use that book about Yasser Arafat being the Antichrist.
  4. US Women's Soccer Tickets: We think they're selling for around 5 cents per yard now.
  5. Any Stephen King novel written after 1996: What else are you gonna do with them? Read them?
  6. A copy of The Babylon Bee Guide to Gender: Buy several copies so you don't run out!
  7. That $300 parenting course that promised the perfect child in 20 days or your money back: Wipe your behind with their LIES.
  8. The scripts of all the Disney Star Wars TV shows: They're just on a flash drive, so it's more a symbolic gesture than actually helpful, but still a worthwhile statement to make.
  9. Nothing at all: California unhoused persons only.


NOT SATIRE: Stop using lousy Leftist toilet paper!

Bumrolls are 100% recycled and sustainable, chlorine-free, PBA-free, plastic wrap-free bath tissue. They are ethically made In the USA and support American manufacturing jobs. We also reinvest in our forests by planting a tree for every box sold by donating to the National Forest Foundation's "50 Million For Our Forests" campaign.

Stop wiping your bum with woke liberal toilet paper! Now is the time to make the switch. Buy Bumroll today!

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