SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Registered Nurse Claire Bishop was devasted by the thought that TikTok might be banned in the U.S., a "nightmare scenario" which would force her to actually care for sick patients instead of just doing the latest, most trendy dances with the other nurses.
Claire reportedly locked herself in the nurse's supply closet as she attempted to collect herself. "This is...this is... fine. Right? I don't need TikTok — do I?" said Claire trying not to hyperventilate. "Okay, get it together, Claire. I don't need to upload a cute, little choreographed dance to an Ed Sheeran song on TikTok every 20 mins. I can just do the job that I'm paid to do, take care of patients, and — OH I CAN'T DO THIS! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!"
According to sources, Claire and the other nurses tried uploading their dances to Instagram just to see how it felt but it just wasn't the same. They said that without the constant IV drip of serotonin from getting thousands of likes on TikTok and being called "superheroes" all the time in the comments, their whole job felt "pointless" and life was "without any meaning at all."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
