U.S. — Presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hit a slight snag in his campaign strategy this week when worms inside his brain began dropping Spice Melange in his brain, causing what doctors claim is an allergic reaction that gave him visions of galactic jihad.
"I see every future!" RFK Jr. suddenly screamed while kissing babies at a campaign stop. "It's coming! Holy war spreading across the universe like unquenchable fire!"
RFK Jr. claims that any attempt to change this fate is futile. "I had thought to oppose the jihad within myself, but the jihad will be. My legions will rage out from America even without me! THEY NEED ONLY THE LEGEND I WILL BECOME!"
"A warrior religion that waves the Kennedy banner in my father's name!" he wailed as aides tried to restrain him.
Sources say RFK Jr. then saw himself perched on a dizzying summit, possessed of a profound store of knowledge, surrounded by an abyss. They then claim he remembered the vision of fanatic legions following the banner of the Kennedys, pillaging and burning across the universe independent of party affiliation.
Medical experts suggest the presidential candidate may very well have a spice sensitivity, but noted that ranting visions about galactic jihad in no way disqualified him from the presidency.
"Anything is better than Biden at this point," Dr. Naib told Sean Hannity on Fox News.
At publishing time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had left civilization to spend time with the desert people crossing the southern border.
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