Politics
Democrats Announce Lockdowns Can Be Lifted Now That We've Defeated The True Virus: Trump

U.S.—Prominent Democrats from around the country declared in the days following the inauguration that severe lockdowns could be lifted now that the true virus had been defeated: Donald J. Trump, or as he is known in scientific circles, Trump-2016.

“Get out there and celebrate Restaurant Week starting January 25th,” urged Mayor Muriel Bowser of Washington, DC. “As of January 20th, the Trump-2016 virus has been contained, it is now safe to be out in public in this fine city which has some of the finest restaurants in the country.”

Mayor Lori Lightfoot of Chicago echoed a similar sentiment this week also when she called on bars and restaurants to open “as quickly as possible.”

“There is literally zero chance of an outbreak of Trump-2016 happening in any of our safe, clean, and highly regulated bars and restaurants in the great city of Chicago,” Mayor Lightfoot added.

Governor Gavin Newsom of California, and Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York, both chimed in that now that coronavirus cases are hitting an all-time high that it was now the perfect time to lift onerous stay-at-home orders and lockdown protocols.

At publishing time, scientists were already warning about the looming threat of the Trump-2016 virus mutating into Trump-2024, but assured the nation that experts were doing everything in their power to make sure that doesn’t happen.

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