SACRAMENTO, CA—The Coast Guard was called in this week to clean up a massive oil slick off the coast of California. According to witnesses, the spill was created by California Governor Gavin Newsom swimming in the water for a couple of minutes.
"This is an environmental disaster," said an EPA spokesperson. "Our sources indicate at least 13% of the world's petroleum is used to make hair gel for Gavin Newsom. He should have known better than to just jump in the water with all that in his hair."
Crews will be on hand for several days to clean up the spill and issue medical care to marine life affected by the spill. Already, hundreds of volunteers are stationed on the beach, helping to clean Gavin's "MEGA-hold" hair gel off seagulls, pelicans, and otters.
In a statement to the press, Newsom apologized for polluting the oceans. "I'm only human, and I made a mistake," he said. "Plus, I'm naturally very oily and greasy. And I only look good with my hair pulled straight back and glued to my head. I shouldn't have just jumped in the water like that where cameras would catch what I was doing."
To help protect the environment and reverse the damage from his oil slick, Newsom later announced that he was banning all swimming until further notice.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!