SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom has announced a curfew, telling Californians not to go out at night, so that he can reduce the wait time at fancy, expensive restaurants when he goes out to dine with his rich friends.
Newsom announced the "Stay at Home, Stay Safe, Stay Out of the Lines at my Fancy Napa Restaurants" order in a press conference Thursday evening. Newsom says the science shows that staying home helps defeat the coronavirus and also ensures that there won't be any lines at the restaurants he frequents with his buddies. As an added benefit, no one will be out to take pictures of him violating his own restrictions.
"Everyone, we must stay home, so the restaurants will be free for me and my buddies to dine at," he said. "We don't want you regular people clogging up the lines." He then shuddered. "Ugh. Poor people. They give me the willies."
In addition to ordering people not to go out at night, Newsom has suggested killing the virus with a wooden stake or warding it off with garlic and holy water. "At daybreak, the virus turns to dust. It's... SCIENCE!"